A friend of mine was recently reading my blog and wanted to remind me that these transplanted lungs I have been gifted are mine. Something I never truly considered before since they are not my original lungs. The ones I was born with. Still coming to terms with the idea that they are indeed my lungs now. They were also indeed someone else’s before. When I was gifted these lung’s it came with a lot of self induced pressure to “live for two” and “live for my donor.” The pressure was fine at first, as was all the high expectations for this new life I was gifted. It was great actually. It took my life to amazing new heights I never thought possible. I was up for the challenge I had placed upon myself.
The fact that it was so incredibly amazing in the beginning, got me living fully more than I was ever capable of before. Running races, traveling, being with family and friends, truly experiencing life in ways I have yet to even acknowledge. It’s been a constant state of disbelief still. These lungs gave me an entirely new and different life, a healthy life I had never had the ability to live before and many, many, new opportunities and experiences I had not once even dreamed of. Completely surpassing some of my wildest dreams of that mythical healthy post transplant life I had always held on such a high pedestal.
When the glamor began fading away and I had completed all of these big dreams and many other things I would have never came up with on my own and while “living for two” I realized that my life become somewhat stagnant. Or so it felt. Compared to the beginning at least. I was working, walking my dog, living, loving, but was it enough for “living for two”? Was I living well for the others too. In a time I was also trying to live for my brother. I thought the constant go go go of life and running from one amazing feat to the next would last forever as it felt so amazing to be able to do but the pressure of being amazing for my donor and their family and my brother and all the other cfers that passed too soon without getting this chance has caused a sort of grief after almost 14 years that I am just seeing as I am largely unable to fully accept these lungs as mine and only mine.
It’s almost too easy to “live” for others. I know I need to realize that these lungs are mine now, and have been for almost 14 years. I could’ve gotten anyones lungs, I don’t know my donor. And they passed away while medicine was merely able to pass on that persons lungs to me, they were able to live on breathing through me and I have done my very best to show these lungs the world. It has been an absolute pleasure to live with these lungs breathing for me and will continue to be until our final breath together.
I just wish that because life has become what I would describe as normal, we are existing as a normal healthy human, with normal expectations and just living for the mundane and it is great and there has been so many moments I have lived through that have just been so incredible as was the first breath I took without the ventilator that day.
I am just fully living it like I feel a normal human would because I’m so healthy and have so many opportunities I shouldn’t feel like I’m always letting my donor down because I’m not constantly doing incredible things. It’s unrealistic. They are my lungs and I can live a normal life and that is enough. The things I’ve been able to do and accomplish in these last 14 years has been truly incredible. Truly unbelievable. This life has been amazing in ways I cannot even begin to describe. But it’s not life to constantly feel pressured to be amazing and do amazing things all the time. To “live” for others. Especially for someone I don’t even know, especially for the fact that this is my second chance at life. As selfish as that sounds.
Deep down I know these lungs are mine. I can live whatever and however I want in each new day. And as the days pass me by I am leaning more and more how I want to spend the rest of my life for me and my lungs. Always thankful for my donor, but it’s not under pressured beliefs that I’m “living for two.” I’m living for me and this second chance. I’m only one human. I can use this incredible second chance at life for whatever my heart desires. I can live out my wildest dreams as I have so far. We are in a whole new chapter now and my hopes and dreams for life are changing everyday. I am beyond disbelief as I never once thought I would get 14 extra years. I’m just flabbergasted. I’m at a loss for words and thoughts and everything.
I will be grateful for all of my newfound capabilities, everyday. I will be thankful for all of this extra time I’ve been gifted, and will thank my donor for these gifts everyday. But I’m living for me, my loved ones, thankful for the doctors, nurses, and my donors family that got me here. But I’m only living for me. It’s my one second chance at life. It’s time to decide what I want. I’m the only one that can make this life the best it can be for me. I’m the only one I need to live for. I’m the one still here on this earth navigating the challenges of life with cystic fibrosis while being 13+ years post double lung transplant. Maybe my donor is still looking over me today, I hope so, but these are my lungs now. And this is my life to live.
The craziest part. Do I even know how to live for me? Just me, without worrying what everyone else will think?