I tend to write what pains me. But probably equally what I’m grateful for. What’s in my immediate mind. Although I don’t post it for a couple of weeks, so what you all are reading is my past mind. I tend to get it all out and move on from it rather quickly. All my ideas about life and my life experiences that are unique in terms of my traumas from living with a terminal illness and getting a second chance at life. A double lung transplant. Losing my brother at a young age. Among other things.
I appreciate all the support and those that read my words. It means a lot. I’ve decided I will take some time off from blogging and writing online. I know I tend to write the same things over and over. Also I got a journal, and to take time to learn and grow in myself. To be the best me I can be for today and a tomorrow that I may or may not be graced with. Read more books and get more exercise, experience music. Truly grateful for this second chance to merely be alive in human form in this vast universe.
I know some of my ideas I may label as wild are on the internet here on my blog but it has been so amazing for me to have them be public for multiple reasons. I have posted stories and thoughts mostly to part with them. To share my unique life experience as it comes into my brain. To hopefully provide ideas anyone could use to help them through the myriad of good times and bad times life brings.
It’s true that when it’s good it will always end but it’s also true that when it’s bad it will also always ends. The seasons of life come and go and we just have to appreciate the fact that we are breathing and thinking and feeling in these bodies that sometimes work and sometimes don’t. But if we appreciate the fact that we are here. Just alive. It’s actually quite incredible. To be amongst the rest of everyone who is either struggling, suffering, successfully loving life, or anywhere in between, getting through their own lives by hopefully loving themselves and others alone the way.
I know I’ve had many theories as to the meaning of life. I constantly struggle with what my purpose on earth is. The fact that I got this transplant, but why? I don’t feel special or different. But I guess that’s not for me to know today. Or maybe ever. I’m set on trying my best to self love myself for the rest of my time here. So hard that I radiate love to others. It sounds hard but it could be my season. I’m not great at love, particularly not at self love. But when I get to thinking and feeling and being my whole true self and loving every minute of life in my earthly body it feels right.
It feels right to love myself for exactly what I am in this moment. Not me yesterday or tomorrow. Not even today. Just in this very moment. It feels so amazing and freeing. I found the freedom I had always been searching for. To be one with myself, truly, madly, and deeply in love with me. All of me. Less regrets, guilt, shame, expectations and judgment. Life is becoming easier all of the sudden. And I’m grateful for all that I am. As well as everything that has happened to me on this 35 year journey. Because if even one of those things didn’t happen the way it happened.
I wouldn’t be me.