If I was able to share one blog in all my life, and many of my constant thoughts, it would be this one. I know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. I also know how it feels to overcome and live my best life, and while that has been an ebb and flow. I want that for everyone. I’m not trying to claim to know it all, far from it, what I’m getting at is that there’s so much information out there if we strive to become lifelong learners of the words of others, of the world, and sometimes life starts to make a whole lot more sense. If you are still alive, you still have a chance. Do you ever feel the need to figure out why life is the way it is?
“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
– Mahatma Gandhi
There’s so much wisdom out there. In our world. You hardly even have to look for it. But you need to look, see, hear, and listen. You need to become a sponge for it all. I have become a scavenger for knowledge, growth, and self-love, acceptance, more so in the past months than ever before. But figuring out the world has always been on my mind. Trying to figure out why I was born with a terminal disease. Why my childhood was plagued with hospital stays and IV antibiotics and surgeries. Treatments that took up all my waking hours while my friends got to play. Swim. Why most people seem to be able to breathe so effortlessly. Hear. Have time for college and marriage and children. To retire. Why such bad things happen everyday, and how I could make my very few years that I had on this earth count. Among what seemed like constant suffering in my own life and in the world. Comparing it to a typical human life and lifespan. I have always been so afraid of not having enough time. But I’m realizing that was coming from a place of lack rather than abundance. A place of scarcity. Do you believe you have time? Why or why not?
“Perfection of character is this: to live each day as if it were your last, without frenzy, without apathy, without pretense.”
⁃ Marcus Aurelius
In reading countless books over the past couple of months, writing, and truly immersing myself in the life of my dreams I realized that there are so many extravagant stories of overcoming, healing, and enlightenment on this very planet already. I always thought I could make a difference in the world with what I had gone through. What I had overcome. Seeing my own death and receiving someone else’s lungs in my own chest cavity. A true miracle of two lives merging into one. Except I’m the one with the ability to be here today, walking, breathing, smiling. But of what’s already out there, my fight is hardly anything of note. Sure I overcame. But I just wanted to live. I did what I had to do to accomplish that very feat. I never gave up. What could you do right now that would gift you with feeling truly alive? Something you’ve always wanted to do? Something you’ve been putting off?
“As long as you live, keep learning how to live.”
– Seneca
All I want is to continue to live in the most unimaginably true and real way. For me and my donor who wasn’t graced with anymore time. Until I can’t. To respect and be grateful for time, people, life, and love. To love and be loved. To know that every time I lay down at night I tried my best and did my best in every opportunity that came my way. Sure sometimes it’s not going to work out. Some days won’t be great. Some opportunities will fail. But failure is the perfect opportunity to learn. If you always think you are right, you’re not learning anything. You have to be open to accepting that things aren’t always how you see them. Are you willing to be wrong? Question everything you thought you knew?
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
– Mae West
Also seeking love in a very large world holding billions of different people and fighting the fact that I’m gay. I never wished to be gay, not that that makes any difference. I absolutely wished a lot of my life away trying NOT to be gay. I do know that. Hoping it wasn’t true. It wasn’t until I began embracing my truth, accepting my difference from the “typical” human. Was I truly able to understand what I’d been missing all that time. I had been missing me. Have you ever lost yourself or wished you were someone else?
“Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”
– Marilyn Monroe
In embracing my gayness. I have found myself, piled underneath all of the things I wished I was not. But that I am. I have entirely new goals for life, living, and am able to be so much kinder and more loving to myself and others because of it. Accepting of all the differences the world holds. I have struggled in nearly every possible way a human being could struggle. Every aspect of life. From birth. Losing my ability to breathe, my chance to attend a university, my overall health, the ability to bear children, my independence, my hearing, a functioning body, “typical” sexuality, my mind, and so many other things. Yet I overcame. What have you lost in your life? What have you wished to not be but just are?
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.“
– Oscar Wilde
One thing I cannot understand though, is after thousands of years of inspirational humans, philosophers, monks, all kinds of teachers, musicians, HUMANS presenting themselves to us in many ways shapes and forms. Giving us tons of information, words, knowledge, and clues on how to live life, full to the brim of happiness, love, acceptance. How to be good humans, how to be kind and loving, spiritual and well intentioned. HOW TO OVERCOME. Also how NOT to live. Sure, like I said, nothing is ever perfect, but why, just why don’t enough of us seek, see, hear, and listen to those words from others. Do we think we know it all? Be open to accepting them and practicing them in our own lives. Or practicing to not make their same mistakes. We can do so much better. Grab a new book, listen to a different podcast. It’s literally all around you. Practice kindness, love. You just have to try. We need to stop repeating all the same mistakes. Starting within ourselves. You are the only one who can for sure make a difference in your own life. When have you seen someone else live an example of how you would like to live your own life? Could you make that habit or trait a part of your life?
“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching. Love like you’ll never be hurt, Sing like there’s nobody listening, And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
– William W. Purkey
Let’s turn off the garbage, get out of our heads, out of our situations, practice gratitude even when it’s tough, and truly live and love in this moment. The only one we know we have for sure. What are we all waiting for. This life is so short. And goes by so fast. It’s nearly too late. So live your truths. Be your own beautiful, weird self. You deserve it all. We may not be here tomorrow. So live while you can, like your life depends on it. Reach those goals. Call that someone and tell them you miss them. Go on that trip. Say I love you an extra time. Take that first step. There’s literally nothing stopping you from bettering your life this very minute. Baby steps. Know that even the littlest efforts count. They become the big efforts of tomorrow. What is stopping you from being grateful for what you do have? Not from a place of lack or scarcity.
“Imagine how you want to feel at the end of the day. Start working towards that now. “
– Lin-Manuel Miranda
The greatest part about life is actually death. Because without death, we would be here on this earth forever. Making life not the precious gift and privilege and miracle that it is. Nobody knows how much time they have. THAT’S THE GIFT! I thought I had 12 years upon birth. And now I’ve had my donors lungs for an extra 14. ANYTHING. IS. POSSIBLE. Believe. Be grateful for each hour, each minute, because death spares no one. Start seeking the good in the world and it will start to multiply right in front of you. The greatest gifts of seeing the good in your life and the world is that you’ll start to get good back. Do you fear death? Why or Why not?
“Death is nothing to us. When we exist, death is not; and when death exists, we are not”.
– Epicurus
You owe it to yourself to try. For you. You can’t expect anyone to show up for you better than you can for yourself. Do you believe you’re worth it? Worth more than a mere existence?
“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”
– Albert Einstein
On that note. I hope you can be your own biggest fan. Your own hero. Make your life into your own dream. Love every fricken piece of you. Even within the bad times, I hope you still find something good. I promise it’ll be worth it. Just immerse yourself into this one beautiful, precious, and the only true privilege which is life: being alive in human form. Stop with the drama and negativity, you may think it hurts others but it really only hurts yourself. It’s time to clean up our acts and live well intentioned lives. Free ourselves from everything holding us back. Get rid of all of those self-limiting beliefs. Do you treat your whole being with good intentions? What about those around you?
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
– Maya Angelou
All I know is this. I will waste no more time being anyone else but unapologetically me. Flaws and all. I will be my own hero. I will save me. Starting exactly where I’m at today. Meet yourself exactly where you’re at today, and work on cultivating those tiny improvements that’ll get you where you want to be tomorrow. Starting now.
“It is never too late to be what you might have been.”
– George Eliot
“Maybe we always look back and think it was better than it was
– Macklemore
Maybe these are the moments
Maybe I’ve been missing what it’s about
Been scared of the future, thinking about the past
While missing out on now”
No I am not mad that I was born with a terminal genetic disease. No it didn’t make my life bad. It made it incredible in ways not many could ever understand. And for that I am forever grateful. When death does come for me. I will have peace for the fact that I consistently fought, everyday, to live the life of my dreams no matter what. I truly believe I have succeeded in that regard and would be proud to leave it all behind at any moment to find out what’s next.
<3 Nina