What is this thing, life? What is its purpose? To live? To love? To experience? To share? To give? To have purpose? Passion? I know this is nothing that has not been discussed before.
I’ve just been thinking about this a lot lately. Like why am I still here on this beautiful planet with trees and water, people and dogs, when countless people have passed in the crazy amount of extra years I’ve been around, living, loving, experiencing, sharing, giving. Millions of people during covid in particular. As well as three of my close loved ones. Just poof, gone, right before my eyes.
It was definitely worth fighting through those 21 years of persistent sickness, and I’m incredibly grateful for this second chance just to be here, but sometimes I just wonder what the point is. I get that life is amazing, but it’s also terribly hard and sad sometimes. And I wonder where my brother and grandma are right now, and if I will ever get to see them again.
I had to fight so hard to get to where I am today. And it’s all been amazing, incredible even. The journey. All of it. Every bad thing taught me something, every loss made space for something new. I’ve gotten to feel feelings I’ve never even imagined. One of those being incredible vulnerability. A feeling I’m not accustomed to and one I am not as quick to welcome as some, like happiness and gratefulness. Those FEEL amazing. Vulnerability feels almost like a bad thing even though I know it’s not.
I just feel so vulnerable being the best version of me for now. Loving fully. Revealing my true self. Part of me I don’t normally share. Exposed. Real. And it’s so scary. Being brutally honest in all aspects of my life. But knowing there’s always room for improvement. And I’m so scared of losing. Since I’ve lost before. I’m so scared of failing. Since I’ve failed many times before.
Recently I made a pact with myself to live each day as my only day. In an attempt to live without these fears. The fears of rejection, loss, failure, heartache. Without worry. This day, today, is the only day that matters. There really is no time to second guess or worry. I mean there’s only 24 hours in a day, and we need sleep. No thoughts of the past or future, one is gone, and one is made up for now, except to recognize what I need to learn from, to fix or change, to make my today better, the best it can be.
I still have goals, but don’t think about the big picture often, just what I get to do today to reach them if I’m lucky enough to get another chance to try to build upon them again tomorrow. To be grateful for what I am capable of in this moment. I strive to always keep learning about myself and life. To improve upon this day I get to spend breathing yet again. Unsure why I’m still gifted with each passing day. And when I look back, it still goes by way too fast, every time.
Maybe that’s the challenge. Maybe we were meant to figure out how to live within today and today only, these 24 hours, and let nothing distract us from that. Without worry or fear. To focus our intention on the moment in front of us and nothing else. How can I make this moment the best moment of my life? What have I learned that I can put to use right now, what can I do to get closer to my goals, who can I show extra love right now, what makes me truly happy. How can I find that balance? Easier said than done I know. Challenge accepted.
So that’s all for now. I’m being vulnerable and embracing this feeling. It’s been a great practice in living in the now. While this moment is the only one we know we have for sure, there’s nothing to worry about except for now. Right now. Which is an incredibly freeing realization. Do what makes you happy. Try to have small achievable goals you can break into daily bits. I can’t stress enough how rushing through my days thinking I could somehow make more of them has wasted more parts of my life than I care to express. They literally flew by. Disappeared. For me the big takeaway is to always go to sleep feeling like you were your best self, you showed up for you and those around you and those you love. Today. In this moment. All while trying to slow down. That’s it. That’s literally all you can do. And yeah, it’s definitely a challenge.