I talk a lot about this topic. I’m talking about letting go of things, people, situations, and emotions that are no longer serving you. Maybe they never have been. Things that clearly aren’t for you in this one, short life.
I’ve been thinking a lot about actually listening to how you are treated in any given situation and acting on it, especially how you are treating yourself, because you deserve so much more than you even acknowledge. I know I do. I know sometimes the means to just let go is not an option. But sometimes you just can’t let it stay the same any longer, you can’t settle. Then it’s time to start fresh.
I fought so hard to get this second chance at life, I fought so hard it almost killed me, and not gonna lie it’s been incredible, breathtaking (in a good way), beautiful, and I’ve been able to truly experience life in ways I’ve never imagined. But it’s also been so incredibly discouraging sometimes. Incredibly tough, and sad, and humiliating, and humbling, and I realize that even though I’ve essentially traded my myriad of problems from before my transplant to a separate myriad of problems is what I signed up for. I just don’t think I realized exactly how many ups and downs there would really be. In extremely different ways, life is entirely similar to having a terminal illness. It’s suffering. In so many different ways. I believe this is just life. I’m not going to say it’s all about how you handle it, because you’re allowed to handle it however you’d like. But sometimes letting these things go can be extremely beneficial to your quality of life. Which is something important that we don’t always consider.
I was so excited for and also blinded by the idea of that one perfect breath with those brand new (to me) lungs that I had dreamed of experiencing for the 21 years when my lungs were failing. When I was dying. I had so many hopes and dreams and wishes for this new life that I was blind to fact that there could indeed be anything bad about it. I may have seemed for a while extremely optimistic about any situation relating to my new life. And I can tell you that I have been just that. I thought that my disease was taking things from me, and it took a lot. Physically almost everything. Mentally some more. To tell you the truth, life has done the exact same since I’ve been an adult. It’s taken people, jobs, abilities, my hopes and dreams, it’s taken everything from me that my disease didn’t take already. Different kinds of things though. But literally whatever was left, life took.
I will never tell you that I regret getting my double lung transplant. Because I do not, not at all. But since Covid life has been Increasingly disappointing, difficult, and just overwhelming. I love being alive, but this world we live in is so sad and wild sometimes. I tend to only see the good in everyone and everything, but it’s so hard anymore and there is just so much bad. I hope I can continue to see the good in my life at the very least and do what I can to thrive for however many hours and days of life I get the privilege to live amongst my fellow humans, dogs, and the ones I love. Thanks to my donor. Life is indeed too short and I am incredibly grateful to have gotten an earth shattering 13+ bonus years that I can’t even be grateful for enough for. Years that I wasn’t even suppose to get. And with recent medical advancements I have felt better than ever but I am currently not capable of even living a remotely normal life. And it’s a crushing reality that I have yet to come to terms with. I do need to let it go. There is literally nothing I can do about it. It’s gone, that ship has sailed. I’ve always strived in my life to be independent, but it’s just not a life I have the privilege of living at this point in time.
I feel consistently bad for the way I feel about life currently because I should just be grateful I can breathe. Right? But my lung function is 40% now, exactly where it was when I started talking about getting a transplant someday. About 20 years ago, and I was utterly terrified. I didn’t want to need a transplant surgery. I didn’t want to be sick, I wanted to be a teenager. I also wanted independence then. And dreamed for it someday.
If anything came out of this post I will say, that I ran a half marathon, and that was worth every second of this life I’ve lived and what is to come, I could be happy to live forever in this big crazy world knowing I lived out my longest standing fantasy of running without oxygen. For an entire half marathon. Not to mention running a 10k in under an hour which my mom and I cried and jumped up and down hugging at the end. There has been endless other firsts and amazing feats in this new life, like being the mom to an 8 year old dog I’ve loved more than myself since I picked her as a teeny puppy. I would not trade these experiences for the world. But along the way, I had to let go, all the time, many things, people, situations, emotions, hopes and dreams, not serving me to continue to move on and grow as a human and live this life seeing the good in the world and in my life so that I can limit the further suffering that at times has seemed so insurmountable. To optimize my quality of life, no matter what. This life is worth living, but holding on to anything not serving you isn’t making it worth living. Move on. Love your life by paring down to what actually gives you peace. If possible, believe me I know this is much harder than it sounds.
Let go. Live. It’s your one and only precious life and I know you can do this. Life does suck sometimes but it’s also so short. Don’t let anything stop you from finding your best quality of life, no matter how hard it may seem, or how many obstacles there are in your way. Baby steps. There is a life worth living no matter the setbacks. Start by looking into yourself first. If you think it sucks too much, work on making it suck a little less. You are worth it.