If I had the chance to do life all over again, these are the 10 things that I would change. I wouldn’t say these are all regrets, although they may very well be, and I know if asked this simple question many would say that they wouldn’t change a thing. But these are the 10 things I would change if I was given another chance to do life all over again. (In no particular order.) I don’t believe the point of life is to live without regrets, we all make mistakes, it’s learning from them and being able to change and adapt your journey everyday that makes living fully so powerful. So that you can move on and not dwell on those mistakes.
1. I would have prioritized my mental health care needs before my transplant. I was dying. Waiting to be listed for a double lung transplant. I was going through some tough stuff and I needed mental health care to help me and I didn’t have any at all. We were all too preoccupied with my CF, dying, and transplantation so the amount of thought put into it was zero to none. So I would have prioritized that for sure.
2. I would have put my faith in the people close to me more evenly. Less on the few single people that I did who I thought would come through for me most when some did but others left when times got hard and I am hurt more than I think many know.
3. I would’ve taken more care to what avenues I shared my fearful and dying thoughts. I shared my crazed, fearful, dying thoughts in many forms in my last months leading up to my life saving transplant and it created kind of an uproar and panic amongst my group of friends and family which sometimes stretched even further. Leading to unprecedented trauma for myself and others in my final pre-transplant days.
4. I would’ve tried harder to keep the friends I’ve lost along the way. I don’t know how possible this would have been in my situation or if I still have the chance to salvage these lost friendships but it has been hard on me to say the least. I had never experienced the loss of close friends before this, and I most definitely miss them being in my life.
5. I would’ve tried to initiate a conversation with my brother about our disease. To this day I can’t believe that I never had a conversation with my brother about life or our disease. I simply didn’t want to bring it up, I wanted to be his friend not counselor and I wanted to stay neutral so I just never said anything at all. What a simple conversation could have maybe changed.
6. I would’ve not cared what other people thought, ever. I cared far too much what other people thought of me, my junky cough, my hearing aids, IVs, oxygen tubing, etc. and it was enough to consume too much of my precious energy that I needed for trying to stay alive. Still a struggle to this day.
7. I would have had more trust in the process. If I would’ve trusted the process more like the day I got the call to just calm down and not be so fearful, to know I had a great support network and a great team of healthcare professionals that had my back, to believe that everything happens for a reason, I might have skipped a lot of heartache and possibly other life-altering events that I’ve had to live with ever since.
8. I would’ve been more involved in helping others directly post transplant. After my transplant I didn’t get involved in transplant activities, groups, or share my story at all because I was busy fighting other more recent health developments, but I wish I could’ve looked past those and shared and still attempted to inspire with my story but I was just too wrapped up in what was happening to see past it all.
9. I wouldn’t have stopped exercising every time I reached my goals. Literally every time I reach a fitness goal I quit. Half marathon. Quit. I would take years off sometimes. I just imagine if I never quit! This is my new life’s goal. I’m no quitter, but I want to keep up exercising because I am able and so thankful for that. Soon enough I may not be able anymore.
10. I would’ve been less fearful. I was so scared pre-transplant because I had no idea what transplanted life would be like. I was also scared of dying, not getting the transplant. I didn’t really know what I was trading my life for. What my treatment regimen would be like, my lung function percent, how or if I would still be sick, all these questions and more rolling around in my head, the anxiety was never ending.
Lastly, I would love more deeply and tell people how I really feel more often, be vulnerable. Something I am continuously working on but I think is so important. I am always so fearful when expressing and exposing my deeper self and I hope to get better at that in the coming days. Expressing my deepest self makes me feel vulnerable and I actually hate that more than anything else. So I’ve got some work to do.
There you have it! Although I have some things that I would love to change about the process throughout my life, I have gotten to a place of forgiveness for them all and have moved on and learned from them to better my future. I am always learning to better today, that’s what makes all the difference! I encourage you to work towards making today a better today, however you know how or can, the only day you know you have for sure is today, so make it count any way you can, don’t put it off!