Dying is horrifying. I imagine it’s the same at any age, or with any religious or non-religious beliefs, and I may challenge you if you say that it is not, but at 21, I knew I wasn’t done yet. So I was scared, to say the least.
I hadn’t done so many things on my bucket list. I hadn’t had a long term relationship. Gone to college. Gotten married. I hadn’t moved out of my parents house, seen the sights of places far from home. I had a job I loved, friends and family I adored, passions I wasn’t ready to lose.
I wanted to do so many things, go to Hawaii, Alaska, see the Northern Lights, run a marathon. Instead I stayed up all night scared half to death of dying. Not even sure if I should be grateful I had the potential chance at fighting for a double lung transplant or not. Did I even still want to put up that fight? All that effort? I was already so exhausted. And the mental aspect was just as hard as the physical. It was such an unknown, all the hope necessary, the wait. I was far from done. I knew that. To me it was the only option and my expertise was indeed fighting. I had done it for 21 years now. 24/7/365
Yet as I would lie awake each night I would go over my life and what I could do differently with my last few months and days and the possibility of a whole new life with new lungs that seemed so, so far away, if ever. I played a single song on loop on my iPod while I played solitaire to ease the anxiety death knocking at my door produced.
The song was called “One Thing” and the first verse started with “Restless tonight” then goes on to this verse “If I traded it all, if I gave it all away For one thing, just for one thing If I sorted it out, if I knew all about This one thing wouldn’t that be something” and if anything I felt like I was trading my amazing yet ill life for this unknown life of transplant, or nothing. All new medications, new health problems and side effects, or death and having so much hope and belief in something that may or may not even happen. Both a thing I knew nothing about that I wanted to know all about, but nobody has all the answers, and sometimes you just have to believe. So I did.
I believed so much that my views on transplant became somewhat distorted, only seeing the possibility of good. I do believe in God, but was still so scared to die, it’s the great unknown. No one who has died can tell you to not be afraid. That’s all there is. Fear. Being gone forever. Everything you worked for, fought for. Gone in an instant.
As my blood oxygen dwindled with supplemental oxygen and my lung function neared failure I was faced with impossible realities. Or so it felt. Decision, yet I was dying. Or getting new lungs. Which I believed in with my whole heart was possible. I couldn’t not believe. What other chance did I have at staying on this wonderful planet? That’s my theory with God too, how can I not believe there is an amazing place out there when we disappear from this earth. Just like I believed in this life that I am living right now, that transplant made possible. My donor, their family and my amazing team of doctors.
The second I was rolled back into this life or death surgery I was suddenly ok with whatever the outcome. Even driving to the hospital. It all changed in me. I knew what was to happen was meant to happen my whole life. I might die. And that was ok. We all die. I was restless waiting in the hospital bed that day, to hear if the lungs were good, but I wasn’t putting so much effort in trying to decipher the unknown anymore. I was free.
Today not so much scared of dying as I was at 21. I still don’t want to die young, still have things I want to do and see, but I’m less young than I was and I feel full of hope knowing there’s someplace out there with my grandma that I might rather be someday. And given the fact I’ve had 11 years added to my life that I wasn’t expecting and having the ability to do some of those things I wanted so badly to do, it just seems like icing on the cake, my pre transplant life was perfect, aside from my disease, but now, it’s just incredible.
Also this planet isn’t all wonderful all the time and I believe that other place is. Love and happy wishes all! Put up the good fight for life whenever you can but there is no shame in letting go when it’s time to let go. Live from the heart, live true, speak your truth, be yourself and do what you can to make every second meaningful. You will be glad you did in your final moments. It’ll all make sense then.