If you’ve been reading my recent blogs you might have noticed that they are a little different than they were a couple years ago. I recently began working harder on my book in the past couple of months than ever after taking 2 years completely away from it. Taking care to dig in and add deeper insight into my feelings and emotions throughout my life, the unfolding of events. To hopefully make it a worthwhile read for others. Adding things I never once thought I could share or even come to terms with. The biggest decision yet was the fact that I ended up taking it in a completely different direction. How I portrayed my heartbreaks, losses, and rude awakenings mainly. My failures. Being transparent. Not glossing over them for fear of seeming less than grateful for this second opportunity at life.
I also realized I was trying to tell my story alongside my brothers. Since he can no longer, but that I was making far too many assumptions about his life, I was essentially guessing. My brother and I were really close for much of our lives, I believe best friends for the beginning, but we hardly if ever talked about our disease with one another. And our relationship sadly faded away as we grew older.
The fact that he too had the disease was haunting for me, and I sometimes blamed my rapid health decline for his non participation in our constant daily routines. Treatments, airway clearance, medications, everything involved with trying to stay healthy. Although nothing worked for me and assuming he saw that and quickly retreated from the “non-working” treatments. But again, I could be wrong.
All in all I decided to take my brother out of the book almost completely. Besides his support as a brother and rarely get into his deeper struggles. For the main fact that I can’t tell his story, only he would have been able to do that. And I don’t want to make any assumptions or guess’s to his feelings toward our disease or life because honestly I haven’t a clue.
This decision not only brought sadness over me, knowing that I don’t know how my brother’s struggles or how he felt or why he handled the disease and life the way he did. But also that I am unable to tell his story. It’s been extremely bittersweet for the fact that I have been able to be my whole self in the book ever since making this decision, sharing my biggest fears, emotions, weaknesses, regrets, and just being fully truly myself without thinking how my brother felt throughout it all as I did much of my life. That alone has been deeply moving for me.
I dream that at some point I can have my new edition of the book read by others in hopes of creating something beautiful out of my life experience. To hopefully portray the good that can always be found in the bad, as well as how if you fight for what you want and believe everything will work out, it could definitely work out. Maybe not the way you wanted it to, maybe entirely different, but maybe it will still be great. Maybe it will be exactly what you needed. And just maybe it could help in someone else’s life too.
I’ve been working on my book for almost 10 years now and this sudden change in how I decided to write it makes me hopeful that someday it might be something tangible instead of just a dream I’ve had for so many years. It feels exactly how I wanted it to feel. I want to share my life with others, even the parts that were not so great and have continued to hurt me still today, among the many beautiful things I’ve lived through and experienced, it’s been a tough ride. The main takeaway is that I wished and prayed for this life that I’m living right now, and even though at times it’s bittersweet and painful, it’s truly incredible and loving and real for me, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I just cannot wait to see where this book goes now. I actually don’t fear letting people read it anymore, it’s the opposite. Like, whose hands will it get in. I wonder who can relate to some of my crazy feelings about life that I’ve been able to contemplate in this beautiful new life of mine, this addition of extra time. Truly grateful to even be able to write my deepest thoughts for reasons larger than others reading them. For the healing of my soul in my remaining time here on this planet. I always wished to inspire others someday, but that’s not even what I’m looking for anymore. I’m looking for peace for today. Letting go of attempting to figure my brother’s life out was eye opening for me, especially since I sometimes dwell in his life events. But like I said, I have no idea how he felt, or the answer to any of the why’s. It was something I’ve needed to move on from for decades. Yet I didn’t see it.
I want to be real. Honest. Strong. And have the ability to confront my darkest days instead of just passing them off for the fact that I got a second chance at life. Something I know not many are able to understand. And that I have to forget all the bad to be able to live grateful for this second chance. But that’s not reality, it’s not life. I’m human. The bad will stay until I am able to set it free. But I need to confront it first. The only thing I wish now is that I would’ve gotten this idea sooner. To free myself from my demons and truly live. After writing it all out, everything I can muster up from the depths of my soul, I feel at peace in that it’s all out there. Out of my body, and I feel freedom that it’s been expressed and I’m now able to move on, to this brand new day. Each new day.
The truth is, it’s a new life. Starting today. For however many more brand new days I’m gifted, looking forward, free from the failures and heartaches of yesterday, the regrets. Free to live brand new, whatever that means to me. As someone who has constantly been gifted with second chances, a peace of mind in this cluttered world is still priceless. The science that got me here being the gift of time I needed to be writing and breathing still today, as well as living, loving and attempting to figure out what this life is all about, and how I may still be able to make a difference, but I know that it all starts with myself. And so that is where I will begin.